11 Key Insights from Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project - EDC 2016

Insight 6

Make time for friends.

“Unless you make consistent efforts, your friendships aren’t going to survive.”

Ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists agree: strong relationships are key to a happy life. For instance, people are more likely to describe themselves as “very happy” if they say they have more than five close friends with whom to discuss a problem. And according to positive-psychology experts Ed Diener and Marti Seligman, interpersonal character strengths are the best predictors of life satisfaction.

Anything we do to deepen or broaden our relationships is likely to boost our happiness. The first and most important thing to remember? Show up. It’s tempting to put off seeing a friend’s new apartment or new baby when you think you should spend time working instead. But those gestures will maintain your friendship and make you happier.

Second, don’t gossip. It’s not just impolite. Over the course of her research, Gretchen learned about “spontaneous trait transfer.” It turns out that a conversation partner is more likely to ascribe negative traits to you if you ascribe those traits to other people. In other words, if you call a coworker arrogant, people might also see you as arrogant.

Third, be generous. Not only can a generous act strengthen a friendship, but according to studies, providing support to other people often boosts your happiness more than receiving support does. This is one of Gretchen’s Secrets of Adulthood: “Do good, feel good.”

While recalling experiences of helping friends “think big” – encouraging them to take on an ambitious goal – Gretchen had a sudden insight about happiness. Titling it her Second Splendid Truth, it was: “One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy. One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.” The circularity of the psychology of happiness helped allay her concerns about whether the pursuit of one’s own happiness was a selfish act. By becoming happier, you behave in a supportive, generous, and enjoyable way that encourages others to be happier, too.

“One of the main reasons that I set out to become happier in the first place was that I figured I’d have an easier time behaving myself properly if I felt less anxious, irritated, resentful, and angry; when I reflected on the people I knew, the happier people were more kind, more generous, and more fun. By being happy myself, I’d help make other people happy. And vice versa. “Do good, feel good; feel good, do good.”

VIDEO 6: Watch Gretchen talk about how being in four book groups helps her stay happy and connected to friends.