Below, Leslie John shares five key insights from her new book, Revealing: The Underrated Power of Oversharing.
Leslie is the James E. Burke Professor of Business Administration at the Harvard Business School. Her award-winning research appears in top academic journals and media, including the New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, and The Economist.
What’s the big idea?
Have you ever had a disclosure hangover? We all try to avoid that gut-wrenching, post-reveal regret of, oh my God, I just shared way too much. But there is power in revealing during everyday moments because when we make wise disclosure decisions, we build stronger relationships, enhance our wellbeing, and even gain influence.
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1. Disclosure decisions are a routine part of daily life.
Every day, we make decisions about how much of ourselves to share: what to reveal, what to hold back. Do we tell a friend that they hurt us? Do we tell a parent that we’re not sure if they’re safe behind the wheel anymore? Do we tell our boss that we deserve a raise? Or how do we answer that common question: How are you? Do you answer it candidly?
Many of these disclosure decisions fly under the radar. We don’t even realize we’re making them. But when we don’t realize we’re making them, we usually default to silence rather than consider whether it’s worth revealing more. The first step to using oversharing to your advantage is gaining greater awareness that disclosure decisions are pervasive.
2. TMI is not the problem you should worry about.
The fear of revealing too much information (TMI) is valid, but there’s an even bigger problem than risking oversharing. TLI—too little information—causes a lot more problems in life.
“There’s an even bigger problem than risking oversharing.”
Under-sharing is the core issue behind why some relationships don’t deepen. It is often why certain colleagues don’t fully trust us, and it can be the reason a promising romance didn’t spark.
3. Revealing is a skill we can all practice.
To get better at making disclosure decisions, you need to know your purpose for sharing. Are you considering revealing as a means of venting? Are you trying to dish some juicy information? Is it for the sake of emotionally processing that weird meeting? Do you hope to influence or persuade the listener? Is it to have fun? Is it all these things at once? Knowing your ‘why’ is the first step in getting better at these decisions.
4. More information brings us closer together.
One of the most important goals of revealing is getting closer to people in romantic relationships—starting them off, letting them blossom, and realizing long-term love. When we’re first starting to date someone, revealing is inherently part of the process because both parties are actively seeking to share and learn about each other. But oftentimes, what ends up happening in a long-term relationship is that sharing diminishes or reaches a standstill. Couples stop opening up to each other because confidence in understanding our significant other’s thoughts and feelings outpaces our actual understanding of them.
If we think we understand our partner better than we really do, and vice versa, we stop asking, and we stop sharing. There are studies of people who have loved each other for many years, and even these individuals are surprisingly inaccurate at intuiting what their partners are thinking and feeling at any given moment.
“If we think we understand our partner better than we really do, and vice versa, we stop asking, and we stop sharing.”
One study found that people in long-term relationships are only able to intuit their partner’s thoughts and feelings about 20 percent of the time. We can solve this problem by choosing to reveal more, by asking our partner questions, and keeping mutual curiosity alive.
5. Revealing wisely can earn influence.
In studies of leaders at large companies, we found that when leaders reveal a little bit more than they think they should to their teams, they earn more respect, influence, and trust. For instance, if a leader shares with their team that they are working on getting better at time management or trying to shake their nerves bout public speaking. These are not hugely horrible weaknesses but rather real hurdles that many people struggle with.
Sharing about these struggles doesn’t undermine a leader’s authority or credibility. On the contrary, it strengthens both because people can relate to it. You can even gain influence when not in a position of high status or leadership by making more nuanced disclosure decisions.
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